Ever been in a disagreement with your partner and felt like you were speaking completely different languages? You're trying to get closer and talk it out, while they seem to be running for the hills. Or maybe you're the one who needs space, and your partner just won't stop texting you. What's going on here? A lot of it might come down to your attachment style.

Your attachment style is the way you learned to connect with others based on your earliest relationships. It shapes how you act in your adult relationships, especially when things get tense. Understanding your own style—and your partner's—can be a total game-changer for navigating fights. So, let's figure out what your conflict style says about you.

What are the Attachment Styles?

Most people fall into one of four categories. See if you recognize yourself or your partner in any of these.

1. Anxious Attachment

If you have an anxious attachment style, conflict can feel like a direct threat to the relationship. You crave reassurance and might worry that a single fight means a breakup is imminent.

During a fight, you might:

• Seek constant reassurance ("Are we okay? Do you still love me?").
• Have trouble giving your partner space, sending multiple texts or calls.
• Feel a desperate need to "fix" the problem immediately.
• Become emotional and feel overwhelmed by your feelings of fear or abandonment.

Your core fear is being left alone, so you do everything you can to pull your partner closer, even if it sometimes pushes them away.

2. Avoidant Attachment

For someone with an avoidant attachment style, conflict feels suffocating. Your instinct is to retreat and create distance because emotional intimacy and vulnerability feel overwhelming.

During a fight, you might:

• Shut down emotionally or become distant.
• Say "I'm fine" when you're clearly not.
• Physically leave the room or ask for space.
• Focus on logical solutions instead of talking about feelings.

Your core fear is losing your independence, so you create space to protect yourself from feeling trapped or controlled.

3. Secure Attachment

If you have a secure attachment style, you're not a fan of conflict, but you don't see it as the end of the world. You trust that your relationship is strong enough to handle a disagreement.

During a fight, you might:

• Be able to express your feelings without blaming your partner.
• Listen to their perspective, even if you don't agree.
• Seek compromise and resolution.
• Feel confident that you can reconnect after the conflict is over.

You value both connection and independence, which allows you to handle conflict constructively.

4. Disorganized Attachment (Fearful-Avoidant)

This is the most complex style. If you have a disorganized attachment style, you want closeness but are also terrified of it. You might have had inconsistent or frightening experiences in your past, leaving you with conflicting desires.

During a fight, you might:

• Swing between anxious and avoidant behaviors—pulling your partner close one minute and pushing them away the next.
• Have unpredictable and intense emotional reactions.
• Feel confused and unable to regulate your emotions.
• Struggle to trust your partner, even if they've given you no reason not to.

You're caught in a push-pull dynamic, simultaneously fearing abandonment and intimacy.

How to Handle Conflict with Your Attachment Style in Mind

Recognizing these patterns is the first step. The next is learning how to work with them, not against them.

• If you're anxious: Try to self-soothe before reaching out to your partner. Remind yourself that a disagreement doesn't equal a breakup. Agree on a specific time to talk later, which can help calm your fear of being abandoned.
• If you're avoidant: Instead of just saying "I need space," try communicating it more clearly. Say, "I'm feeling overwhelmed and need 30 minutes to cool down. Can we talk after that?" This reassures your partner that you are coming back.
• If you're disorganized: This style can be tough to navigate alone. Seeking therapy can provide you with the tools to understand your triggers and develop healthier coping mechanisms. In the moment, try to identify whether you are feeling more anxious or more avoidant and use the tips for that style.
• If your partner is anxious: Offer them clear reassurance. A simple, "We're going to figure this out. I love you," can go a long way. Be patient with their need for connection.
• If your partner is avoidant: Respect their need for space, but don't let the issue disappear. Agree on a time to revisit the conversation, so it doesn't get swept under the rug.